I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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