You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
