**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
