i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
false alarm, still single
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