He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
