I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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