I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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