my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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