There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Why can't burritos get me drunk
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
