Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
