im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I'm really busy with my period
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