I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
