And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
