Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
