It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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