I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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