I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Are my feet made of real feet?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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