It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
