WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize