why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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