just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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