Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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