Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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