I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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