NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
