I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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