It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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