Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
