ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
