Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
