He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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