I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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