I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize