i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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