Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Watching her eat just hurts me
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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