My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
did i just pee glitter
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
