remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
