WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
zippers are such a cool invention
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
