You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
