Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
