i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
