Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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