WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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