It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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