her vagine was all disorganized.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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