Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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