Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
