I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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