Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
