My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
