i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Hippo gnu deer
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
