If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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