Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize