omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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