I only kidnapped one of them. chill
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize