Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
