I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
