Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm having to shit out rocks
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
