I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
