I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize