this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Girls should come with a carfax report
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
