do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
my sisters under your porch take her home
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
