Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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