she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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