i was born a porn star she said
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
