remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
